Damn Diary
by Lady Drama
Summary: Rukia finds Ichigo's diary and decides to read it. Soon Ikkaku, Yumichika and Renji join her. Uh-oh.....
1. Prolouge

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, any related franchise or the characters**

It was a hot day in Karakura Town. Really hot. The kind of hot when even camels and desert scorpions take one look at the glaring sun and say 'I (heart) shadows'. Kuchiki Rukia was definitely no camel (although a certain Abarai would be happy to list her similarities to the dangerous scorpions) and her zanpaktou was an Ice Type, which made the heat even more intolerable for her. She Shunpo-ed over to the nearest ice cream stall and stood under a tree, watching the hoards of people being driven into the store by their children and the oppressive heat.

Rukia scowled. Bloody gigai had felt so cloyingly hot that she'd left it behind in Ichigo's room. Now, enviously watching a kid smear a massive glob of chocolate ice cream on his face, some of which actually trickled down into his mouth, she wondered if she had been too hasty.

Another little boy walked past her, licking his strawberry ice cream off a waffle cone.

Everyone has their limits and Rukia had reached hers. She ran to Ichigo's house, lightly jumping over the trees and buildings in her way and finally leaping into his bedroom through the open window. It was deserted, the bed neatly made for once and the walls covered with pictures of……….Chappy the Rabbit?

Kurosaki Ichigo had gone on (read: been dragged off by his father on) a family vacation (read: torture) He was currently sitting on a beach down south, sipping a disgustingly fruity drink that the hotel staff referred to as 'Welcome Drink' and scowling at any male who got too close to Karin or Yuzu. His father had mercifully decided to leave them alone for the day and gone to visit a friend who apparently lived in a town a couple of miles away.

Rukia opened the closet door to find her gigai slumped on the cushions inside. She'd hidden it anyway just in case some nosy neighbors decided to check on the open window. She entered it, wincing a little. After years of using the same gigai, she still wasn't used to the strange sensation that accompanied entering it and the feeling of suddenly being weighed down.

She climbed out of the window carefully so as not to damage her gigai and took a cab to the ice cream parlor.

"You fare, Miss" grunted the driver, jerking a thumb in the meter's direction. He was evidently a man of few words and fewer manners.

Rukia turned her bag over in her quest for some change but found none. Her purse was missing. Cursing, she asked the driver to take her back. The driver grunted again (really, was the man a Neanderthal?) and took a sharp U-Turn, nearly throwing Rukia off her seat. She got back up, a little green. The sight of a cab's floor is never exactly pleasant and this one was positively puke inducing.

"Here" grunted the Neanderthal / Driver.

"Wait a moment please, I'll be right back" assured Rukia, running up to the house. She went around the back and climbed up the pipe to the window for the fourth time that day.

"Money, money" she muttered, rummaging through Ichigo's desk. It was the only place in the house that Ichigo had warned her not to touch so naturally it was the first place she looked. What could an ordinary teenage boy be hiding except some extra cash? Right?

Rukia's logic would have worked perfectly if Ichigo had been an ordinary teenage boy. Fortunately, he wasn't. So when she pulled the second last drawer open she found a bright red book inside……

…….A book called Kurosaki Ichigo's Diary.

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_I'd like to recommend a Kyou Kara Maou fanfiction called __**The Diary**__ to everyone! It inspired me to write this story although __**my story is in no way a copy/imitation of it**__. _

_Please review!_


	2. Who's SHE?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, any related franchise or the characters**

Rukia hesitated for a second and then picked the book up and began flipping through it. The pages were mostly covered in Ichigo's messy scrawl but certain parts were written in an elegant script, similar to the kind practiced by her brother during his free time. However the handwriting, while beautiful, was definitely not her brother's. After all, why in the worlds would the great Kuchiki write in a lowly 'Substitute' diary?

Opening up the first page, she saw a dedication written in curly, feminine handwriting. Rukia felt a strange emotion well up inside her, something similar to…..jealousy?

Of course Kuchiki Rukia wasn't jealous! She was merely angry with the Substitute (formerly known as Ichigo, but if he had shown some other girl his diary when she hadn't even heard of it before stumbling across it, he was henceforth to be known as the 'Substitute') How could he have been so stupid as to keep a diary? What if it had classified information? What if it fell into the wrong hands? Honestly, the Substitute could be so moronic!

In the interests of the Soul Society and as its representative in Karakura Town, it was Rukia's duty to investigate all potential threats. "So it's my duty to read this diary. To save the world, of course...I'm not even remotely curious. Who cares what the Substitute-formerly-known-as-Ichigo thinks anyway?"

Rukia snuggled down in the bed, along with the custom made XXL Chappy the Rabbit soft toy that someone had anonymously sent her on her birthday. She began to read:

_To my darling,_

A faint growl echoed through the room.

_Happy birthday! I hope you will record your life's most memorable moments and events in this diary. I don't want you to keep things bottled up inside, Ichi._

Another snarl escaped Rukia. Just who was this woman?

By the way, just to clear things up, Rukia was frustrated only because she didn't like the idea of the Soul Society facing another mysterious threat (as if they didn't have enough of those already) Her annoyance wasn't really related to a certain (Substitute) someone.

_Anyway, I hope you enjoy writing in this diary and that it helps you get in touch with your emotions!_

Rukia snorted. Whoever this woman was, she definitely didn't know Ichigo very well. Ichigo was a perpetually scowling, I-don't-need-anybody's-help kind of guy, not some emotional sweetheart like this woman imagined. She was obviously delusional. Ichigo ("the Substitute!" she reminded herself) didn't need anyone's help to get in touch with his (non existent) emotions.

_Once again, happy birthday!_

Rukia turned the page over. The next page was filled with Ichigo's messy handwriting. Damn it, why was this woman so important to Ichigo that he actually tried to 'get in touch with his emotions' just because she asked him to do so? Rukia decided that Ichigo did have one emotion left in his body – idiocy.

After a minute or so of pondering over the threat (read: thinking of ways a Substitute Shingami could be killed so that looked like an accident) she bent over and deciphered the muddled writing:

**Don't ever expect me to call you Dear Diary or anything. That sounds totally girly. Which I'm not. A girl, that is.**

"Ichigo is just so articulate, isn't he?" she thought sarcastically, "if the whole diary is like this I'm going to have a severe migraine before I'm through with this and Shinigami's don't even get migraines!"

**Anyway, I'm Kurosaki Ichigo and I'm 15. Tomorrow is my first day in Karakura High School. Can't really say that I'm looking forward to it but I guess I'll get through it with Chad. There are some other people I know in the class as well.**

**There's Tatsuki, she's spunky and loves martial arts and just about anything related to fighting. Although I'd rather get roasted over a slow flame than say this aloud, she used to wipe the floor with me when we were kids. **

Rukia smirked. This was excellent blackmail material for the future.

**To be honest, I couldn't hit her 'cause I never really tried to. She was my first crush.**

The smile faded off the Shinigami's lips and she clenched the book so hard that her knuckles turned white.

**She was there for me when I really needed her, right after my mom…she's a good friend but I never had the guts to tell her how I felt.**

"You won't have any guts left at all by the time I'm done with you, Substitute! And I mean that literally"

**Anyway, we're just friends now and I guess that's about all we're ever going to be. We lost touch for a while and my crush is now just a memory. **

Rukia relaxed her grip on the book and thought, "Oh well, everyone has their childhood crushes. We all get over them quickly, anyway"

**Chad is about the closest I have to a best friend. He so quiet that he makes even me seem talkative. Most of the time I forget he's even there but I always know that he's got my back. Chad has some weird idea that he's indebted to me after I helped him out this one time but really, did he just expect me to walk by a bunch of bullies beating someone up?**

She almost sighed. Ichigo's passion for helping people and his total recklessness had landed him in life or death situations more times than she could count. He just didn't seem to realize that it wasn't his goddamn job to run around saving everybody!

**Chad is absolutely huge and terrifies everyone the first time they meet him. A lot of tough guys looking to build a reputation come after him though, since he never hits back, no matter what the provocation. **

Wow! Ichigo knew a word as long as 'provocation'? Maybe he wasn't always asleep in school like she'd thought.

**Sometimes I wonder whether he's a pacifist, a really big chicken or a girl in disguise.**

Laughing, Rukia collapsed on the bed. Ichigo was so damn funny and he wasn't even trying! It was one of the thing's she loved the most about…..ahem, back to the diary:

**But anyway he's always by my side. I heard there were two more students from our school transferring to Karakura High this year. Don't really know them well. **

**Too damn tired to write more. Ghosts don't let me freakin' sleep. **

**Did I mention I can see spirits? Must have slipped my mind.**

"Sometimes I wonder whether you have a mind"

**Anyway I hope she's happy that I wrote so much. I hate having to write this. I have to live a life full of BS anyway so re-examining it every night seems pretty crappy to me. But I'd do anything for her.**

Rukia slammed the diary shut in aggravation. Who was this mysterious woman?

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Thanks Ichigos future wife, TiRaMiSuLoVeR, Mileryn, snickerslol04 and SoupieLuv for the great reviews!

BTW, any guesses on who the mystery lady is?


	3. Renji and Uryuu

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, any related franchise or the characters**

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A loud honk from the street below interrupted Rukia's musings. She poked her head out of Ichigo's bedroom window and saw the taxi driver standing below shouting obscenities at her.

"What's got him wound so tight?"

Rukia whirled back to find Abarai Renji (fukutaicho of the 6th Squad, her childhood playmate and Ichigo's chief tormentor) standing there. A plan formed in her head and she smirked evilly. First crushes and mystery women, huh Ichigo? She just had to pay him back for that.

"Just reading Ichigo's Diary" said Rukia innocently.

Renji was on it at once. One of the benefits of having spent their childhood together, plotting robberies in the Inuzuri district of Rukongai was that he understood her perfectly. His expression mirrored hers as he said, with faux concern, "What if the Substitute's Diary has classified information?"

"Oh no! The Seireitei would be threatened! Again! We must continue reading this!"

Renji grinned and grabbed the diary from her. He read the first two pages, roaring with laughter.

"Kurosaki is so dead!" he thought gleefully, "If Rukia doesn't murder him, Tatsuki and Sado will!"

The taxi driver standing below was still hurling curses at Rukia for not having paid him. Finally, an exasperated woman living in the house next to Ichigo's bellowed, "Just call the damn police and get it over with! I'm trying to put my baby to sleep here!"

Inside the bedroom, Rukia looked at Renji worriedly, "Ichigo won't be happy if we let the police into his house. Especially since his family isn't here. It could lead to some awkward inquiries"

"So? Who the hell cares what that Strawberry thinks anyway?"

"If he comes home earlier than planned we won't be able to read the rest of his diary"

Renji suggested, "What about leaving our gigais' in the closet and using shunpo to get out of here?"

"And then?"

"This town had plenty of comfortable rooftops for us to sit on"

Rukia nodded and stepped out of her gigai as Renji did the same. They shunpo-ed out of the bedroom window just in time to see the police arrive. One policeman was saying to the taxi driver, "How could your customer have entered this building? The door is locked and according to the neighbours all the inhabitants of this house are on vacation"

Sniggering at the confused looked on the driver's face, Rukia ran faster to catch up Renji. He waved to her from a brown tiled rooftop to join him.

They huddled close together, keeping the diary between them so that both of them could read it.

"Now let's continue reading…"

The next page of the diary was blank. But the page after was covered with Ichigo's handwriting. However the handwriting itself was no longer as messy as it had been before and the letters were more neatly written.

"He must have abandoned the diary and then started writing in it again after a long period of time" guessed Rukia.

**Whew! I can't believe that so much time has passed since I last wrote in this diary. I know I promised her that I would write in here everyday, about all the new people that I met and friends that I made but that would have been impossible given all the places I've been to in the past year. But still, for her, I guess the least I can do is write down a bit about the people I've met so far in that crazy place I entered called the Soul Society.**

"Wait a second, he actually wrote down stuff about us? And all the other potent powers of the Soul Society that could end up sizzling him to an Ichigo-kebab if they find out that he's unttered a single disparaging comment about them? Way to go Ichigo! "

Rukia scowled. She still wasn't over the line 'for her…."

**But first, the friends who were with me during all this.**

**There's Uryuu Ishida, a Quincy archer. He wears his hair in these really long bangs and is dressed in white all the time. He even likes sewing. Because of his obvious femininity I used to think that he and Chad were having an affair.**

A few crows perched on a tree next to the house where Renji and Rukia were sitting almost fell off the tree in shock when they heard the sound of raucous laughter coming from the house.

**I mean, seriously, what else was I supposed to think? He wore skin fit dresses all the time and carried a change of clothing into battle. If that doesn't scream 'girl', I don't know what does.**

"He carried new clothes into what?" asked Renji incredulously.

**When Uryuu's glasses start glinting, it's trouble time. It usually means that he is plotting or planning something. Usually something that will get me killed. He has this seriously horrible habit of not telling anyone his plans until either the plan has been executed or we have.**

**Ishida is a pacifist, most of the time. However the second he comes into contact with any Shinigami he turns into a Renji (more on him later) and jumps into a fight even if his opponent is a gazillion times stronger than him. Example: the fight with Kurotsuchi Mayuri (Comparison: Renji vs. Byakuya) Uryuu and Renji both got their asses thoroughly kicked in their respective battles.**

Renji growled while Rukia did her best to disguise her chuckles as a hacking cough.

**If he wasn't so hung up on the whole-avenging-my-grandfather-and-being-like-him thing, I'm sure that he would have would up giving an interview on his latest collections on Fashion TV.**

**Another weird thing he's convinced of is that he's somehow better than me. Yeah, right. Who kicked the Menos back to Hueco Mundo during our first completion, huh?**

"Really Ichigo, your arrogance is totally unattractive!" said Rukia, shaking her head disapprovingly.

"So apart from the arrogance you find the rest of him attractive?" asked Renji, with an irritatingly smug expression.

Rukia smacked him so hard that the book slipped from his grasp and fell off the roof.

"Damn it Rukia, you made me drop the diary, go pick it up!"

"You dropped it, so you go pick it up!" retorted Rukia.

"Having fun?" a familiar voice interrupted.

Rukia and Renji looked down to see a grinning Ikkaku waving the bright red diary up at them, while Yumichika leaned against the building.

Rukia gulped. Renji was one thing, but those battle-crazy loons from the 11th Division? This was not going to end well.

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Thanks to Avgirl10, Mileryn, crystal sapphire girl, Icepheonix1, SparklingSoda, BeeBee432 and Kiyoki Fujimoto97! I never expected so many reviews so soon! This super fast update is for all of you :)


	4. Beauty

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, any related franchise or the characters**

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Ikkaku and Yumichika looked at the diary curiously.

"We're reading a cookbook" lied Rukia.

"A Cookbook?" questioned Ikkaku.

Renji nodded vigorously. "It's fascinating. Want to join us?"

"We got Hollows to finish. Some of Aizen's weirdos are still hanging around Karakura Town and we have the day off so we came over looking for a good fight. You wimps can sit and read a sissy book"

Rukia held her breath. Had her trick actually worked?

Unfortunately, Renji exploded the second Ikkaku said 'wimp' and within minutes Zabimaru and Hozukimaru were locked in combat. As they thrust their swords and dodged each other's blows in midair, Yumichika flicked a non existent speck of dust off his clothes and sniffed daintily. "Being wimpy is not beautiful" he informed Rukia.

She sighed. Every male except Chappy the Rabbit was an idiot.

She jumped down and picked up the red notebook. "Want to read Ichigo's diary with me?"

"Wasn't that supposed to be a cookbook?"

"It is a recipe for trouble, so technically, it's a cookbook"

They settled themselves in the garden and began to read:

**Inoue Orihime. The first thing that pops into my mind when I think about her are her nice…features. She's Tatsuki's best friend although they're polar opposites. Orihime is shy and sweet where Tatsuki's strong and fiery. **

"You sound like you know both of them very well" growled Rukia.

Yumichika lifted one elegant eyebrow but didn't say anything.

**We have a long and incredibly complicated history. I knew Orihime had a crush on me for a long time. How could I not notice when she literally threw herself at me all the time, sent fluttering damsel-in-distress looks, blushed and stammered?**

**But her infatuation with me eventually passed and that would have been the end of it all had we not made a major mistake.**

"Kurosaki Ichigo! What did you do?" screamed Rukia, her mind racing through every possibility from pregnancy to drunken partying.

"Do stop shouting, Rukia. It is certainly not beautiful and you're making my feathers droop"

**We kissed.**

The crows living in nearby trees squawked indignantly and decided to fly south earlier this year. Whoever was letting these strange wild animals out unattended ought to be sued! "Destroying the peace in a perfectly respectable neighbourhood" grumbled one bird as he pulled out a struggling worm from the ground.

**I'm not saying that it wasn't good. It was amazing. But still it made things very uncomfortable when we went to the Soul Society together. By that time I had figured out that Uryuu wasn't a girl so I tried throwing him and Orihime together but it didn't really work. Then again, any girl who's proven herself to be the possessor of remarkable taste by choosing me wouldn't exactly run after a guy whose face is framed by a pair of greasy Niagara Falls.**

"You'll be the one who falls. Off Sokyoku Hill!"

**Oh well, full marks to me for effort. It was up to her to get over it now. I'd tried to help her.**

"That's it? That's all the effort you put in? You insensitive idiot!" screeched Rukia.

"Inoue is beautiful" remarked Yumichika. Rukia turned to glare at him but he nonchalantly began to brush to his feathers.

**I think I did succeed to some extent. She calls me 'Kurosaki-kun instead of Ichigo now, so that's an improvement, right? I hope so.**

**Still, Inoue is sorta special to me.**

"Hey Yumichika, the stupid cookbook's that interesting?" asked Ikkaku as he crashed into a nearby tree. Yumichika's reply was lost in the sound of a loud crash as the tree fell over and squashed a group of crows.

Ikkaku launched himself into the air once more, clearly enjoying the fight. Yumichika sighed and said, "I do wish that you wouldn't turn the book into a shard of ice. It may not be particularly beautiful but it is vaguely interesting"

Rukia glanced down. The book in her hands was slowly being covered by a layer of frost. She frowned. Usually, she had excellent control over her power. What could possibly have her zanpaktou so upset?

"What's wrong, Sode no Shirayuki?"

"Just read the next page!" screamed her zanpaktou furiously.

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Uh-oh, what could the diary have that's got Sode no Shirayuki so mad? Any guesses?

Thank you **Scoro, snickerslol04, StarPrincess999, Zero0984, Mina Ravenclaw, blackteaplease (nice pen name!), BeeBee432, AvGirl10, SoupieLuv, roll model and zangetsuichigo13 **for your amazing reviews! You people made my day!


	5. Female Fury

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, any related franchise or the characters.**

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Rukia turned to the next page of the diary, curious to see what had made her usually cool zanpaktou lose her composure.

"Ah, now that is truly beautiful," sighed Yumichika, pointing towards the book. The page now open was filled with the elegant, neat calligraphy that had intrigued Rukia when she had first flipped through Ichigo's Diary.

"It is pretty," admitted Rukia, "But who wrote this? There's no way that Ichigo's disgusting handwriting miraculously changed overnight. In fact, I don't think that his writing would improve this much even if he took nee-sama's classes for the entire next century. But who else would write in a book clearly marked Ichigo's Diary? And if someone else did manage to gain access to it, why would they leave such an obvious trail behind? If they were peeking into this diary, why would they leave evidence that they had done so?"

"Maybe their related to Ichigo?" suggested Renji, materializing to Rukia's left, "That would explain their lack of brain cells"

Rukia let out a startled yelp and said, "Don't startle me like that!"

"Like what?" enquired Ikkaku, materializing on her right.

She glared at the now smirking pair. "Did you two finally settle your quarrel? I don't want this book to get blasted away by your total lack of control over both your emotions and your reitsu"

"Fine," muttered Renji, "If you want to act like a…" He couldn't finish his sentence as a Kidou spell hit him. Six lightning rods erupted from the tips of Rukia's fingers and bound him tightly.

"Just so you don't accidently harm yourself," she said, smiling sweetly.

Ikkaku and Yumichika involuntarily shivered. Rukia's smile was similar to the formidable fourth division taichou's and it gave them the creeps.

"Now may we finally begin reading?" asked Rukia, still smiling. All three men nodded vigorously.

_Sode no Shirayuki is a weak, conceited, meddlesome and exceedingly irritating zanpaktou._

Rukia gasped. Under the petrified gaze of the three shinigami next to her, a large ball of bright red flames erupted in the palm of her hand. "Kurosaki Ichigo! How dare you!"

_As if a zanpaktou like me needed her help to awaken my wielder. _

"You know," whispered Renji, with one cautious eye on the fire ball in Rukia's hand, "That sounds more like a zanpaktou spirit than a shinigami"

_I, Zangetsu, was perfectly capable of awakening my master whenever I wished to do so, thank you very much. Sode no Shirayuki had no right to interfere!_

"Zangetsu? Then this is Ichigo's zanpaktou writing, not him!"

"But how can a zanpaktou write?" asked Ikkaku, trying to imagine a sword attempting to grip a pen.

"Idiot! Zangetsu obviously channeled his spirit through Ichigo's body temporarily, just like he did during Ichigo's first fight with Kenpachi Zaraki"

"So that's how he won! That's cheating!"

_Besides, having her share the same inner world as me was no picnic. All she ever did was check her reflection on the window panes and brush her hair. After all she had to maintain her image as 'the prettiest zanpaktou in the Seiretei' _

_But that wasn't the worst of it. Every time it rained in Ichigo's inner world, as it often did in those days, she wanted shampoo to wash her hair. She kept asking me which one of the lop-sided buildings in my wielder's inner world had a 24/7 convenience store. Finally I had to hand her some of my own to shut her up._

_Then she decided that she liked my 'wavy hair look' and started pestering me for curlers. I told her I had naturally wavy hair and no time for such trivialities but she just continued to bother me. _

_Thank god, Ichigo's inner hollow is male otherwise I would have committed suicide long ago._

_To top it all off, she kept on annoying me even after her departure. After days of her constant chattering, it was somewhat dull to just sit around waiting for Ichigo to call my name. I grew so bored I even tried washing my hair with the shampoo she'd left behind. But that plan proved to be as big a failure as Shira, sorry Sode no Shirayuki, was. Now I had an irritatingly familiar flowery smell hanging around my robes. Plus my robes look utterly ridiculous now. Shira decided that plain black-brown robes were boring so she sheared off the hem to give it an 'edgy look' _

_The look was edgy all right. It took me all my self control not to push her off the edge of one of the buildings._

_It's almost morning and Ichigo is about to awaken. I must leave now. Surprisingly enough, Shira's advice was, I must grudgingly admit, somewhat….well…..decent. Writing down things does help. Just a little though. And I will never tell her that something she suggested actually worked. Her ego doesn't need any more inflation. I wonder what kind of wimpy male zanpaktou she has encountered in the Seiretei. Hmph. 'Prettiest Zanpaktou Ever' As if. Haineko is far more beautiful._

By now, all the male Shinigami were trying very hard to suppress their grins. Having a female living with you in any world was torture, in their opinion, but in your private inner world? Poor Zangetsu!

"Zangetsu must be taught a lesson," said Rukia, her eyes shining silver with Sode no Shirayuki's power, "We are leaving for this mission right away"

Will the boys be able to stop Rukia and Sode no Shirayuki from pulverizing Ichigo and Zangetsu?

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A shout out to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: **snickerslol04, ichigos future wife, Scoro, chappygrl, Sparkling Soda, blackteaplease, BeeBee432, StarPrincess999, SoupieLuv and Avgirl10**


	6. Rukia's Revenge

**Disclaimer: Don't own Bleach. Never have, never will. **

_Rukia's Revenge_

To say that Kuchiki Rukia was angry, furious, ready to explode, fuming, livid or irate would be a gross injustice to her. She was far beyond such petty emotions and simply ready for murder.

As she opened a Senkaimon to the beach at which Ichigo's family were vacationing, Renji, Ikkaku and Yumichika stood behind her, waiting for her to finish the chant so that the Gate would be ready for them to pass through.

"Should we try to stop her?" asked Renji. He wasn't particularly worried about Kurosaki but he didn't want Rukia to get into trouble with the Central 46 again.

"The image of Kurosaki Ichigo's battered body lying on a beautiful beach is a displeasing one," said Yumichika thoughtfully, "but I find such a picture far more attractive than one of my own gorgeous head splattered on the sidewalk"

"Ikkaku?" enquired Renji, turning to the bald man.

Ikkaku scratched his bald head as he answered and the other two winced. The sound was remarkably similar to that of nails being scratched against a blackboard. "I dunno. I think we should just let him enjoy a good fight"

"Not everyone likes getting drenched in blood, Ikkaku" said Renji exasperated.

"Really? Yachiru seems to like it so I thought it was a trend with kids these days"

Rukia turned around to face the three of them, her unsheathed zanpaktou glimmering softly in the sunlight. The sharp edge of its blade shined brightly every time she moved.

"Gate's ready, hurry up," she said impatiently, "I'm trying to save my power for now so this Senkaimon is slightly unstable"

"How unstable?" asked Renji, looking at the flickering gates uneasily.

"You'll get dumped somewhere between the worlds if you don't keep up" replied Rukia, clearly unconcerned about such trivial matters.

"I think I'll just shunpo over and catch up with you guys later," said Renji, backing away. Rukia gave him a disgusted look and nodded to Ikkaku and Yumichika. The latter two grabbed him by the arms and threw him into the Senkaimon.

"Aargh!" he screamed.

"Oh stop blubbering!"

"I'm too young to die!" wailed Renji, "After all, I've only just crossed my 188th birthday! I have my whole life ahead of me! It's too early! I hope these two goons by my sides go first, maniacal 11th Division members don't have long lifespans anyway and…"

"We're here" Ikkaku informed him, rolling his eyes.

"Snot and red eyes are not pretty" announced Yumichika decisively.

"I wasn't crying!" roared Renji, surreptitiously wiping his face with his sleeve.

"Right. Why're you drying your eyes then, pansy?"

"I was merely wiping the sweat off my forehead! It was hot in there!"

"Yeah, it was just so hot inside a Senkaimon opened by an ice wielder and hence made of ice"

"Shaddup"

"I almost feel sorry for him," mused Yumichika.

The other two men turned to face him. "Who?"

Yumichika almost rolled his eyes at his friend's stupidity. But eye rolling was a rather ugly pastime so obviously he didn't fully roll his eyeballs. He just rotated them at an angle that set them into the perfect position with his feathers. Delicately bringing his eyes back to normal, he pointed towards Ichigo, who was walking towards the beach holding a big yellow bag and scowling as usual. His sisters walked behind him, chattering happily. Rukia stood directly above them, watching the orange haired teenager with a menacing smirk.

"Do you wanna help him?"

"Would he do the same for us?"

The three shinigami stood still for a second, thinking hard. Then they shrugged.

"Nah"

"Forget it"

"Not worth the hassle"

They walked down to the beach and found a small bar there.

"Whiskey!" shouted Renji over the din. The bartender glanced in their direction and nodded.

"What's that?" asked Ikkaku, sitting down next to Renji.

"It's some kinda popular drink Ichigo told me about"

"Better than sake?" questioned Yumichika skeptically.

Renji shrugged. "I dunno. Try it"

"Who's paying?"

"Let's settle this the time honored way"

They stood up and started circling their table. First Renji thrust his fist forward, then Yumichika and finally Ikkaku.

"Stone, paper, scissors!"

* * *

Rukia watched as Ichigo sent all the admirers that Karin and Yuzu had gathered on the beach running with smoking backsides thanks to a (not so) subtle and mild Getusga Tenshou.

He set up his own beach blanket and drinks cooler near the spot that his sisters had bagged and lay back, enjoying the sun. A few minutes later he picked up a bottle of iced juice and took a deep swig.

And choked as the liquid froze in his throat.

A few meters above the beach, Rukia smirked as she saw Ichigo run around the beach, clutching his own throat. He tried to scream but the only thing that came out was a few high pitched whistles.

Below, on the ground, Yuzu grabbed Karin's hand and said worriedly, "Why is Ichi-nii trying to choke himself?"

Karin pushed her sunglasses up and examined her brother dispassionately as he ran all over the beach, trampling on tourist and flailing his hands and feet around. "Looks like the old goat's genes are showing up after all" she said, picking up a magazine.

* * *

"Dammit! What the hell is the damn cold stuff stuck in my throat?" thought Ichigo, frantically gulping hot chillies.

"Do you have any more?" he asked the man in front of him.

The vegetable vendor looked at him with undisguised horror and said, "Out! I don't cater to suicidal people!" He pushed Ichigo out of his shop and went back in muttering about the mental instability of today's youth.

Well, at least the hot food had gotten rid of the icy feeling in his throat, thought Ichigo with a shrug. But a few seconds later, he grabbed his throat again. The ice had melted away, leaving him to deal with the full impact of all the chillies that he had swallowed.

"Hell!" he roared, running towards the nearest bar and drinking everything available. Finally, the burning sensation in his throat was quenched and he gave a sigh of relief. "Put it all on Kurosaki Isshin's tab," he told the bartender as he walked out.

The bartender nodded. As Ichigo walked out, one of the other patrons of the bar said, "Wow, he must have one hell of a head for liquor. He drank almost everything in the bar and he's still walking straight!"

The bartender snorted, "It just hasn't hit him yet. Give him a few minutes and he'll be passed out drunk somewhere."

* * *

Rukia almost collapsed laughing as she watched Ichigo's crazy runs from one place to another. Finally he took off his shirt and dived into the water, perhaps trying to forget the last quarter of an hour.

"I just had to play one tiny prank," she said, giggling, "You took care of the rest yourself!"

She gave herself a moment to ogle the bronzed chest on display below as he swam further away from the coast.

"Mistress, our revenge," said Sode no Shirayuki, giving her a mental nudge.

"Yeah, yeah, I was getting to that," said Rukia, "Well Ichigo, let's see how you deal with a slightly bigger trick"

She pulled out her zanpaktou and cried, "Dance Sode no Shirayuki!"

* * *

In the ocean below, Ichigo found himself stuck out at sea as the water all around him turned to ice. He tried moving his legs and discovered that the ice only covered the surface. He thrashed around wildly, trying to break free of the grip of the ice around him.

In the depths of the ocean, a hungry shark looking for a mid day snack noticed some movement near the surface and closed in.

* * *

"I shay we do help shim. Call the mental hoshpital and send 'im zere. Is'll be better than leaving 'im to Ruki-Ruki's mercy." mumbled Ikkaku, drunkenly.

"I sechond zat!" declared Yumichika, before passing out of the table.

"Fine." sighed Renji. Pulling out his cell phone, he called the mental hospital. A few rings later a woman's voice on the other end said, "Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental  
Hospital

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2  
for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you  
want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be  
forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little  
voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which  
number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the  
beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have  
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,  
press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our  
operators are too busy to talk with you"

"Damn pre-recorded messages," muttered Renji, slumping forward and letting out a little snore.

* * *

A few hours later, nurses from the Hospital that Yuzu had called led away Kurosaki Ichigo, who was singing a drunken rendition of 'One Love'

"We'll be able to re-attach his legs in a week or so," the doctor assured Karin.

* * *

"Now I can get back to reading the diary," thought Rukia, opening a Senkaimon to Karakura Town.

* * *

_AN: *shudders* Rukia can be scary too! Wow, never thought of the midget that way before writing this chapter! This chapter hasn't been beta read so I'm sorry for any errors!_

_-Liz_


	7. Clogs and Cats

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, any related franchise or the characters**

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* * *

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Clogs and Cats

By the time Rukia returned to Karakura Town the furor near the Kurosaki's house had ended and a woman was being led away and fined for _'attacking a law enforcement officer when he submitted his report and stated that the Kurosaki's house was locked and nobody was currently inside it'_

Rukia lightly jumped up a streetlight and entered Ichigo's bedroom once again. She went downstairs to grab some of Yuzu's home-made chocolate chip cookies and ended up eating the whole tin. Revenge was sweet but it was hungry work. The thought of the three shinigami who had accompanied her to the beach flittered through Rukia's head briefly but she shrugged it off. After all, they were grown men and responsible adults and would doubtless return to their respective barracks in the Seireitei by evening. At least Renji would since her brother was extremely strict about reporting times. And if Renji went, he would make sure that the other two accompanied him and didn't stay behind to enjoy treats that he couldn't.

She settled down between Ichigo's soft blankets and allowed herself to inhale deeply for a second. He did smell good even though he was an absolute idiot and his sheets carried his scent on them. Sentimental moment over, Rukia was back to business. She propped the book up against her knees and opened it to the page she had been reading. She flipped the paper and frowned. The next page of the diary was empty. "This can't be it," thought Rukia, "My curiousity hasn't been satisfied yet… I mean the level of the threat to the Soul Society hasn't been determined yet." She was relieved to see that Ichigo had started writing again after about 5 blank pages.

**Thinking of popping down to Hat 'n' Clogs place later today. I hope Yoruichi will be there. There's something I really need to talk to her about.**

"Yoruichi?" thought Rukia, frowning. She tried to think of any mess that Ichigo could have gotten himself into that Yoruichi could help with but drew a blank. It was usually Urahara who Ichigo went to for advice and counseling.

**Oh yeah, that reminds me. I never did give an intro of them in here, did I? Well, my damn diary, it's time to introduce you to two more freaks. **

Rukia punched the air and thought gleefully "More blackmail material!"

**Kiskuke Urahara aka Mr. Hat 'n' Clogs. My first thought when I saw him was "Clogs? Who the hell wears clogs anymore? They went right out with medieval flowing kimonos."**

"Looks like Ishida just found a presenter for his FTV show," thought Rukia, exasperated with the fashion commentary.

**That was of course, before I realized that his Shinigami uniform, as well as mine, had both and a huge white sash to top it off.**

"Why don't you just start writing chick-lit novels already?"

**Bad fashion sense aside, Hat 'n' Clogs is one cool dude. It's kind of difficult to believe that this lazy guy can get up unassisted but he's kicked some serious Hollow ass in his time.**

"Has? I'm not sure Urahara will like being referred to as a has-been," thought Rukia with a mischievous smile.

**I'm very grateful to him for helping me unleash my powers although at that time I didn't really do more than just curse him. Then again, I dare you to have your Soul Chain cut off, get thrown into a deep pit and told to either get out unassisted or die and not feel the tiniest bit of anger towards the guy who did it, even if it was for your own good (or so he claimed). Honestly, if all Shinigami have to go through this, it's no wonder they have so many traitors popping up all the time.**

**But still even though Urahara was hardly gentle he did teach me a lot more in one week than Miss Ochi managed in my whole life. At least I think so because Urahara's lessons kept me from getting my liver diced while Maths is pretty useless in a swordfight except to tell the diameter of the hole in your chest.**

**If there's one thing about Hat 'n' Clogs that truly scares the shit out of me, it's his crazy experiments and plots. The problem with a genius like him is that it's impossible to tell whether he's just using me again (like the time with Rukia and the Hogyoku) or whether he's giving me something out of the kindness of his heart. Most of the time, I think its former.**

Rukia was slightly impressed by Ichigo's accurate account of Urahara's personality.

**Now on to the Yoruichi aka the Cat Woman.**

**To be honest, I didn't think much of her the first time I met her. She seemed to be a he and a cat. Confusing? Yeah, I nearly jumped out of my skin too when a black cat walked up to me and spoke in a man's deep baritone voice.**

She chuckled. Yoruichi's disguise did take time to get used to.

**She rescued me in the Seireitei (don't ask. Getting rescued by a cat was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I'm almost glad that I had a fight that knocked me out before she arrived)**

**The thing with getting knocked up and being forced to lie down by a cat whose voice reminds you of TV star Don Kunonji is that it makes you think. That was when I started wondering how the hell a cat managed to wrap bandages around my chest. Conclusion: It wasn't a cat. My Eureka moment, although I didn't run out on the streets covered in ancient Greek Mr. Bubble to celebrate.**

**I asked Yoruichi to show me her transformation. Man, oh man (or should I say woman?) my eyes almost popped out of my head and reached Jupiter when I saw that the he-cat was an incredibly gorgeous woman.**

"Incredibly gorgeous woman?" thought Rukia angrily, "What kind of brainless fool is attracted to EVERY girl he meets?"

**She had long, silky purple hair, smooth brown skin and glowing golden eyes.**

A slightly feral growl echoed through the room.

**She entered the pool and I blushed like an idiot. Thankfully, Yoruichi said she found it 'cute'**

"Cute" muttered Rukia, "We'll see how cute Soifon-taichou finds it, you disgusting…"

**At any rate, it did make training a lot more fun, knowing that she was watching. Anyway, I'll talk to her about it tomorrow…**

"Talk about what?" said Rukia, snapping the book shut and glaring at it, "Your feelings for her?"

"Rukia"

"Don't you dare give me any back-talk, book!"

"Rukia"

"Alright fine, maybe I'm over-reacting just a little bit."

"RUKIA!"

She jumped. The diary fell down with a thump and slid under the bed. When she saw the person standing near the window she wished she could do the same.

"Brother!"

_

* * *

__Thanks to** EllaBella1102, memoriesofrain StarPrincess999, snickerslol04, Scoro, BeeBee432, blackteaplease, Urikaa, Paninibunny, SoupieLuv, chappygrl, bleach-freak45, Avgirl10, lorientmnt, gollumsfriend and Poison Lady **__– your reviews are simply brilliant :)_


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